Is Your "Authenticity" Building Trust—or Breaking It? The Lie We Tell About "Being Real"

Want the quick version? Listen to the 5-minute Research Rundown episode. But if you’re ready to go deeper—keep reading.

There’s a difference between being real and being reckless. And that difference is accountability.

Too many educators and leaders throw around the word "authenticity" in a wildly inaccurate way: "I’m just being honest." "This is just who I am." Translation: I’m going to bulldoze through this conversation and call it leadership.

Let’s clear something up: authenticity is not about doing whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want.

Authenticity means owning who you are and taking responsibility for your impact.

When someone resists feedback and hides behind "I'm just being real," what they’re really practicing isn’t authenticity. It’s self-indulgence dressed up in a blazer and lanyard.

Before we get to the breakdown, let’s pause for an important truth: self-indulgence doesn’t come from a place of malice—it often comes from protection.

When someone defaults to self-indulgence, it’s usually because they’re trying to protect something: their identity, their dignity, their emotional safety. Maybe they’ve been burned by feedback before. Maybe they’ve internalized a belief that vulnerability equals weakness. Maybe showing up authentically feels risky in a culture that hasn’t made it feel safe.

In other words, self-indulgence is often a shield. And like any shield, it can keep danger out—but it also keeps connection out.

So while the impact of self-indulgence may be disconnection, avoidance, or relational strain—the root is deeply human. And naming it with compassion doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it helps us respond with compassion and clarity.

Here’s the breakdown:

• Authenticity = Self-Awareness + Integrity + Accountability

• Self-Indulgence = Self-Justification + Avoidance of Accountability

And here’s what that looks like side-by-side:

The first one builds trust. The second one breaks it.

In schools, this distinction is everything. Because teams don’t grow in the presence of self-indulgence—they shrink. Feedback dies. Innovation dies. Morale drops.

So next time you feel the urge to say, "Well, this is just who I am," pause and ask: Am I being true to myself, or am I refusing to grow?

Because real authenticity doesn’t resist change. It invites it.

Now let’s get under the hood a bit more.

Most leaders think being authentic means showing up fully themselves. And yes, that’s part of it. But authentic leadership isn’t just showing up—it’s how you show up.

Take this real coaching scenario: A leader gives a teacher feedback about their classroom management. The teacher snaps back, "That’s just how I teach. I’m being authentic." What’s really happening? That teacher might feel exposed. Defensive. Vulnerable. But instead of processing those feelings, they’re hiding behind the label of authenticity to avoid reflection.

In contrast, a truly authentic response might be: "That feedback is hard to hear. I care a lot about my students, and it stings to feel like I might be missing the mark. But I want to understand what you’re seeing."

One approach shuts down the conversation. The other opens it up.

Authenticity without accountability becomes indulgence. And indulgence without reflection becomes sabotage—of relationships, of learning, of culture.

This is especially important when you’re leading through change. Resistance is human—and often, it's revealing something that matters. But here’s another layer we don’t talk about enough:

Sometimes, coaches themselves aren’t showing up authentically either. But instead of it looking like defensiveness or overconfidence, it hides behind something sneakier: a "should."

"They should already know how to do this by now."
"They should be more open to feedback."
"They should care more about their own growth."

These quiet, unspoken expectations don’t just shape how coaches think—they shape how coaches show up. And often, they block authentic connection. When you're coaching from a place of 'they should,' you're not engaging with the person in front of you—you’re reacting to the gap between who they are and who you think they should be.

And here’s the thing: Teachers can feel it. That subtle judgment? That impatience in your tone? That perfectly rehearsed question that lands flat because it’s not grounded in real curiosity? It creates distance.

Authenticity, in coaching, is saying, “Here’s what I’m noticing. I don’t have the perfect fix, but I care about figuring it out with you.” It’s grounded. It’s real. And it builds trust. (And sometimes it takes vulnerability.)

So if you want to coach, lead, or partner with others in meaningful ways, ask yourself:

• Am I modeling the kind of authenticity that builds trust?

• Am I inviting feedback or deflecting it?

• Am I standing in integrity—or just hiding behind a preference?

Because the schools we want to build—the cultures we want to lead—they don’t need louder personalities. They need braver ones.